Thursday, December 21, 2006

Unpublished Excerpt from "Zero Main Street"

“Kyle, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“Sure. Why not? I don’t think there’s anything good on TV this evening.”
Carrie lost her concentration.
“What!?”
“Yeah. Besides, it would be nice to be LEGALLY allowed to make someones’s life completely miserable. I mean, that’s what this is all about, right Father?”
The minister smiled and nodded knowingly.

Carrie was dumbfounded. What the hell is going on here? She turned around and looked at the assembly in the almost endless rows of pews. As far back as she could make out the faces, no one registered any indication that something might be amiss. Maybe I heard all this wrong…

Kyle was beaming at her almost expectantly. She turned her attention to the pastor.
“And Carrie, do you take Kyle here to be your merciless master, catering to any and every whim of his and politely averting your eyes each time he has a sordid affair with one of your contemporaries?”
“WHAT!?”
“Honey, everyone is awaiting your answer…” Kyle smiled nervously and looked back to the minister, expecting some level of continuity and conclusion.

Carrie looked wildly about, hoping for some clue that her senses were not failing her. Everybody was looking at her, faking suspense that the possibility of a deviation actually existed. One gentleman feigned checking his watch and winked at her. What the fuck…? Who is that bastard?

“Are you out of your mind?”
Both the reverend and her groom to be appeared genuinely baffled.
“Honey, c’mon. Folks are waiting. This is what you wanted, right?” The father nodded his head with Kyle, as if the combined effort would have a greater chance of moving the program along.

“Okay, wait. Did you just say, ‘avert your eyes every time he has an affair?’”
“Babe, we’ve been over this time and time again. We rehearsed this just last night. Can we just get on with this and have it over and done with? Please?”
Carrie shook her head. This was like a bad dream.
“I am NOT agreeing to any such thing. You change that vow right this minute or I swear to God I will NOT marry you. Not now – not ever. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

Kyle looked at the pastor. They both shrugged as there eyes met.
“Whatever you want, honey. As long as you’re happy.”

The reverend shuffled back to a ceremonial table and retrieved a book. Carrie glanced back at the congregation. Excited whispering and murmuring pulsed through the crowd. Eschewing harmony for controversy seemed to have an electric effect on the attendees. Routine yawning and distracted looks had been supplanted by rapt focus and the tendency to lean forward.

Returning to the imminent newlyweds, the pastor cleared his throat and proceeded to read from the tome:



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